He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
