and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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