Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
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Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
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You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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