Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I love you. Go after that dick
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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