well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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