I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
