i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
