I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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