I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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