I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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