I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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