I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
