Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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