i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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