i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
