booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
