Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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