My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
