it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
