you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
