You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
