But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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