No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
