They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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