Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
