We won't sleep together?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
