Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
