If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
