then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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