You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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