exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
