Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
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Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
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It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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