everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
