Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
