Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
