my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
