P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
