erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
