I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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