Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
