The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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