Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
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