My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
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Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
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Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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