life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
