a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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