good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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