when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
