He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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