I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
