If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
