So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
