There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
