seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
