Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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