dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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