Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
