If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
3pm strippers are depressing
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Randomize
